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Coping with your grief
Bereavement is something which most people experience at some time in
their lives. Dealing with loss can be very distressing. Grieving is a
natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. Grief is not
an illness. You need not be alarmed by the feelings and symptoms that
you have.
No one can tell you how to grieve
People react in their own way when they are grieving the loss of someone.
Each person and relationship is special and unique. No one can tell you
what you should be feeling or how you should behave. The important things
is to allow yourself to feel and do what is right for you in your own
time.
Take your time to make choices
The first reaction can include disbelief and confusion. Sometimes
you may find it impossible to take in what has happened.Even if you were
expecting the death, the moment you find out may come as a shock. This
may leave you feeling unprepared and anxious. There will be some practical
things to attend to and decisions to make. Some things do have to be done
qucikly, but don't feel you have to rush into decisions if there is no
need. Think about what you really want and take your time.You may find
it helpful to talk to someone about practical issues. Don't enter into
any financial or legal agreements unless you fully understand them and
don't let others rush you into anything. Make sure you're ready!
Intense feelings are part of grieving
People often find that the first two or three months after someone
has died are quite busy. There may be a lot of practical things to attend
to. It can be after this period that the full impact of the loss may be
felt. You may be surprised by the intensity of your feelings . You might
think you're going mad. You may become forgetful. You might find it difficult
to concentreate. You may experience a whole range of emotions including
physical pain and great sadness,isolation,helplessness, anxiety and anger
that the person has died.
You may blame yourself. You might feel that you have no opportunity to
put things right and be forgiven. It is not uncommon to have feelings
of relief that the person isdead and that the pain and suffering is over:
then feel guilty about having those feelings. These are caring feelings
and you are only human. It is impossible to get everything right.
Don't hide your feelings.Express them and talk to someone you trust. You
may feel that you need to talk through your feelings repeatedly.
Grieving within a family
Your family and friends will also be experiencing grief which will
be unique to them. It can be upsetting if one family member feels very
angry. while another feels intense sadness and needs to cry. One person
might need to talk about their feelings while another may want to say
very little. Try to acknowledge these differences. Sharing your thoughts
and feelings can lessen the loneliness and bring you closer together.
Include children
Generally,children do not understand the meaning of death until they
are three or four years old. Children experience the passage of time differently
from adults and can therefore appear to overcome grief quite quickly.
However, children in their early school years may need reassuring that
they are not responsible for the death of a close friend or relation.:
They often blame themselves for one reason or another.
If you are caring for grieving children, then it is important to share
your grief together.Even very young children experience grief and need
to be given the opportunityt o express their feelings. You may want to
protect your child from the pain of grief. But, as one mother said, 'it
isn't a choice of whether she will hurt or not but whether I will know
about it'.
Children often know more than adults realise. They need honest information
to help them make sense of what has happened. If you're unsure about how
to support your child then it may be helpful to talk to your GP.
Identify who will be supportive to you
During the coming weeks and months you will need help and support from
others because it can be very hard to manage bereavemnet alone. This is
not a sign of weakness. It takes courage and strength to ask for help.
Many people find that their close family and friends are a tremendous
help so do make sure you keep in touch with them.Even if they are grieving,
they may want to be close to you and support you.
Don't forget to look after yourself physically. Try to eat well and get
plenty of rest.
And get support!
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